lost my music
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10/9/2008
I've lost my music. I didn't realize it was gone until yesterday. I think its been gone a couple of months now. I'm not talking about anything tangible. See, I've always been a car singer. Mindless of my passengers or stares from the occupants of nearby vehicles, I've happily sung my way over countless miles. I've been the star vocalist of my bathroom shower; and I've also been known to hum while walking down the halls at work or along the aisles at the grocery store. I used to listen to music at work, in the car, or while cleaning the house.
Yesterday I was attending a funeral visitation of a cousin. The visitation was held in a large church full of flowers, plants and a large number of attendees. High up on one wall, a slide show was running... family pictures. Soft piano music played in the background. Any funeral is a sad occasion. This one was no exception. But as I sat there talking quietly with other family members, I found myself crying. We had all had many months to prepare for his death. The source of my tears seemed to be deeper and from somewhere else. Then I realized it was the piano music. It was affecting me on a deeper level. Stabbing at unhealed wounds that I've been trying to ignore. Unwanted tears kept sliding down my face.. it was too much emotion for the situation. I had to leave. I made it to the solitude of my car and burst into tears.
How is it that music can be so powerful? It can reach down inside you and pull the strings off of things you had tied up so tightly. I realized then, I had pushed the music out of myself. I had separated it from me. The compositions that usually calm and soothe, only bring sorrow and sadness. The tunes that are fun and light, bring stabbing reminders of lost joy. Music has woven an intricate web throughout my soul.. my spirit. It hurts too much to tug on any of these strings.
In the last six weeks, there has just been too much loss. My relationship with the first woman I fell in love with has abruptly ended. We met about a year ago. And my two teenage daughters, 17 & 18, in the midst of some sort of teen angst, have angrily moved out and in with their dad.
I'm wondering how long it will take before I can make peace with my music...
I've lost my music. I didn't realize it was gone until yesterday. I think its been gone a couple of months now. I'm not talking about anything tangible. See, I've always been a car singer. Mindless of my passengers or stares from the occupants of nearby vehicles, I've happily sung my way over countless miles. I've been the star vocalist of my bathroom shower; and I've also been known to hum while walking down the halls at work or along the aisles at the grocery store. I used to listen to music at work, in the car, or while cleaning the house.
Yesterday I was attending a funeral visitation of a cousin. The visitation was held in a large church full of flowers, plants and a large number of attendees. High up on one wall, a slide show was running... family pictures. Soft piano music played in the background. Any funeral is a sad occasion. This one was no exception. But as I sat there talking quietly with other family members, I found myself crying. We had all had many months to prepare for his death. The source of my tears seemed to be deeper and from somewhere else. Then I realized it was the piano music. It was affecting me on a deeper level. Stabbing at unhealed wounds that I've been trying to ignore. Unwanted tears kept sliding down my face.. it was too much emotion for the situation. I had to leave. I made it to the solitude of my car and burst into tears.
How is it that music can be so powerful? It can reach down inside you and pull the strings off of things you had tied up so tightly. I realized then, I had pushed the music out of myself. I had separated it from me. The compositions that usually calm and soothe, only bring sorrow and sadness. The tunes that are fun and light, bring stabbing reminders of lost joy. Music has woven an intricate web throughout my soul.. my spirit. It hurts too much to tug on any of these strings.
In the last six weeks, there has just been too much loss. My relationship with the first woman I fell in love with has abruptly ended. We met about a year ago. And my two teenage daughters, 17 & 18, in the midst of some sort of teen angst, have angrily moved out and in with their dad.
I'm wondering how long it will take before I can make peace with my music...
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