did i lose myself or did i ever know me?

10/7/2008
Ok. This is ridiculous. I never, ever thought I would say these words
... I'm trying to find myself. What a cliche. I've heard that phrase before and thought, "How crazy is that? How can you not know who you are?" Yet, here I am. I just turned 40 (yikes, it's even worse seeing it in black and white) and I am trying to 'find myself'. The truly perplexing thing is, I have no idea where to begin.

All of this comes on the heels of a conversation I had with my sister the other day. She said that I needed to learn what makes me happy. That sounds pretty simple, right? Ummm, not so simple. I've always been happy when the people around me are happy. I'm pretty laid back, easy to please. Like everyone else, I have things I enjoy... reading, watching movies, doing geeky things on my computers. But there is really not just anything in particular that I take a great amount of pleasure from, other than pleasing someone else. Is that wrong? Do I have some kind of personality disorder? I've had this same conversation with my brother. He says if I'm maladjusted, so is he *giggle*.

My sis says this 'problem' of mine has to do with the fact that I was married at the raw age of 19. And she does have a point of consideration. I led a very, very, very sheltered life at home and was attending a local community college when I met my ex. He was the first and only guy I ever dated. I lived in an emotionally and sometimes physically abusive relationship with him for 18 years. Why I was stupid enough to live in that for so long is a whole 'nuther story... But I spent most of that time trying to make him happy (talk about mission impossible, lol)

My daughters have recently moved out to live with their dad. And I'm living alone for the first time in my life. Can I say this? "I HATE LIVING ALONE" lol. I have an extrovert type personality and get my energy from other people and living alone sucks. I came out as lesbian in the early part of this year... and living in rural Alabama is not conducive to meeting people.

So, sis says that I don't really know who I am because I tried to be what everyone else wanted. She may be right up to a point, but is there anything wrong with that? Is it unhealthy? I always thought of it as having the heart of a servant...