I HAVE A DATE!

9/20/09
I HAVE A DATE! … next Saturday night! I'm so excited…and nervous..and can hardly think straight, lol. Well, who wants to think 'straight' anyway, giggle. I know, you are probably thinking, 'what's the big deal?'. I don't know that I ever made this very clear in my earlier posts. Although, I know I'm a lesbian, I've never been intimate with a woman before… never kissed a woman; haven't been on a date a woman. A couple of years ago, I had developed strong feelings for a woman I met online. And we talked for several months, but right before we met in person, things fell apart.
Last week, I had an email from one of those websites I had given up on. Her profile seemed fairly normal (if there is such a thing), so I sent her my IM address and we chatted online for several hours. Over the next couple of days we talked on the phone for hours, and she asked me out. She's funny and we have a lot in common. I agreed that I would like to meet her. I'm really excited, but also really nervous, lol. I've not been on a first date in over 20 years. And she and I joke that I'm a 40 year old, lesbian virgin, lol.

Sweet jesus, wish me luck!

Reflections...

9/11/2009
Ok, it's been nine months since my last post. I think it's a good time to sit back for a bit a reflection. Hmm, maybe it's a seasonal thing and I only get introspective in the Fall. Maybe, it's another impending birthday that has me in this mood. Or maybe, I thought no one really reads this and someone reminded me yesterday that there are other folks out there listening. **Thanks Lauren.. And by the way.. I'm just barely going to miss Pride in Dallas. I don’t fly back out until my birthday on the 27th :( I've never been to a Pride event yet. Oh well, maybe next year :) **

When I left you last, my dear Readers, I had just started my new job. I'm very happy to say, that I'm totally loving it. It's very rewarding to enjoy your work. It's like, not really working lol. After several months of training, I've finally settled in. The first four months, I spent about half my time in Dallas. I've spent the last four months here in my office at home in Alabama. EVERYONE always says how much they would love to be able to work from home. Let me tell you this, it's totally for the birds! The guys back in the office in Dallas kid me. Just last week they asked me if I started my day off with a Mojito, lol. And when they call and ask what I'm doing, I always tell them that I'm painting my toenails, lol. Which is totally funny because I don’t think I've ever in my life painted my toenails, unless it was with some clear polish. T, one of my friends and co-workers has now threatened to hold me down and paint them red on my next trip out.

I suppose working from home would be ok for some folks. But I'm an extrovert and I am energized by the people that are around me. I don’t have any problem staying focused and I can get a lot of work done here at home, away from the distractions that everyone else in the department has. But days go by where I just crave the company of a real, live human being. I have to make myself get dressed every day because otherwise, I would just live in my pj's. Unless I need something from the grocery store, most weeks I never leave the house until the weekend. I thought about finding somewhere to do some volunteer work. But around here, there really isn't anything I'm interested in doing. My oldest daughter sorted herself out before Christmas last year and moved back home with me. We enjoy each other's company. But she graduated this year and is working and attending the local community college. When she's not working or at school, she's hanging out with her friends. If the economy was better, I might be able to sell this house. And then, get the nerve to make a permanent move to Dallas.

*singing Pussycat Dolls* "be careful what you wish for 'cause you just might get it, you just might get it, you just might get it." I remember a time, during my 'unfortunate incarceration' a.k.a. 'the married years' *grin* Many times I just thought about how happy I would be if I was just alone…. Fantasizing about just having a little apartment where I lived by myself… where I didn’t have to worry about pleasing anyone else…worry about what to do if the other person was angry, miserable, and so on (you get the general idea) Let's switch to a little Alanis Morrissette "isn't it ironic… don't you think" lol

Oh, and for anyone that remembers a previous blog 'lost my music', can you tell? I found it several months ago :) This is good, I have made some progress this year, lol.

I've discovered a few other things about myself this year. Although, I'm not crazy about living alone, there are a lot of worse things. Living alone, is better than living with someone that drives you crazy. My brother stayed with me a few months after he and his wife split up. And as much as I enjoyed his company, I was so glad when he left. You forget sometimes, the little things that you take for granted. Like being able to shower with the bathroom door open; or walk out of the bathroom naked to go to the bedroom; make a quick dash from the laundry room naked where you've stripped off the clothes you were wearing to put them in the washer; or just wander around naked in general? *grin*

As I've mentioned before, it's a small, rural area where I live. There really isn't anywhere to go meet other gay people. So, I turned to the internet. The folks who created eHarmony, created a similar site for us gays called Compatible Partners. As they were trying to draw in some customers, they offered it free in the beginning and I happily signed up. After about six months of this, I have yet to make it all the way through to open communication with anyone. I don’t know if there are just no gay people in Alabama? Or they are so closeted, they wouldn’t sign up, or they can't operate a computer? I've been matched with several people and they fall in one of two categories. The first, and largest category, they don't respond to communication. The other category is folks that can't spell or construct a complete sentence. Call me a snob, I can overlook a lot of things… I can see the point of view of the bald woman (shaved). If that's her thing, that's just fine. I just don't happen to find it attractive. But seriously, is it too much to expect to meet someone that can spell? Dear god, they have access to the internet. If you don’t have spell check, you can look it up!

So, even though I've not had sex with another person in, *whispers*, over three years (jesus, did I really just say that?); I spend a lot of money on batteries; and the most intimate contact I have is with the woman who washes and cuts my hair every 6-8 weeks. I am not so desperate that I don’t have some minimal standards. A couple of other websites I've tried seem to be mostly made up of married women who are trying to satisfy their 'bicuriosity', which I have no problem with. But I'm not interested in a hookup with a stranger.

I think the hardest thing is figuring out my place? When I lived at home, I was daughter. Then I became, wife and mother. What am I now?

This much I know, I am a FABULOUS and deserve the best, so I'm hanging in here!


…fade out *singing Jewel* "I'm gonna love myself More than anyone else Believe in me Even if someone can't see The stronger woman in me"

travel hassles

12/14/2008
After a long day filled with the hassle of travel, I finally settle into my hotel room to try to find some solace with my laptop and the www. It's the one thing that always feels like home, no matter where I am. So, I lovingly plug the hotel's ethernet cable into my laptop and launch the browser.

..wait...wait...wait...still no internet connection...

Hmmm, the sign next to the internet switch says, "For more on high speed internet access, including troubleshooting information, please refer to the Guest Service Directory."

The afore mentioned Guest Service Directory was on top of the desk. I searched through it and found the following paragraph. "Some connections are in person, some are online. Stay Connected with the xxxx family hotels. For instructions and additional information about high speed internet please refer to the information in your desk drawer." What is this? a freaking treasure hunt?!

I'm such a sucker... I did it. I opened the desk drawer. Can you guess what was in the desk drawer? The only item in the desk drawer was a Holy Bible, courtesy of the Gideons. What, am I supposed to pray that the internet will work now?

what i want

11/30/2008
As I sat, soaking in the tub tonight I realized that what I really wanted and desired in my life has not changed from what I wanted as a young child. I know that people are motivated by many different things. People crave recognition, fame, wealth, possessions, power, success. There is nothing wrong with these things and if we were all the same, life would be tedious and boring.

As a child, there is really only one thing that I can remember wanting. I mentioned before that we moved every summer as I was growing up. It was difficult to make friends, so the library provided my 'friends'. In the summertime, I would often read a book a day. Many of these books detailed a story of some young girl and her best friend... her kindred spirit. That was the most tantalizing thing in the world to me. I just imagined how wonderful it would be to have that one special girl all to myself. That one person who would always be there for me... that I could share my secrets with and keep her secrets...share my dreams with and listen to her talk about her dreams. Funny that it took me years to figure out that I was gay, lol. But seriously, I still just crave that person, that kindred spirit. I think what scares me the most is that I will never, ever have that.

I know that sounds silly and sentimental... but oh well, I guess I'm silly and sentimental?

wooot!! i got brave!

11/19/2008
I'm so proud of myself :))

I was starting to get a bit of cabin fever, spending the last few nights alone in this hotel room. I decided I would go out tonight. J had originally planned to go out with me, but tonight was his one month anniversary with his new bf. I had checked Sue Ellen's MySpace page, http://www.myspace.com/sueellens, they were having live music tonight. Armed with the trusty GPS, I made my way over to the 'gayborhood'. I found a place to park the rental car. Then I sat for a while trying to get up the nerve to get out of the car, lol. After about ten minutes of self encouragement, I got out of the car and walked the block down to the entrance. I paused outside the door, took a breath and went it. There was a light crowd, so I had no trouble getting a seat at the bar. I ordered a drink and spent a nervous ten or fifteen minutes texting some friends. I knew it would be another 20 minutes or so before the band started playing upstairs. I was sitting next to some kind of video game that was on the top of the bar. A couple came up and asked if I was playing it. I told them no and I started to move down a chair, but they told me to stay and help them. We started talking... and I told them I was in town visiting. A couple of their friends came in and they introduced me to them. We all went upstairs to listen Ciao Bella. The music was great, and I stayed a couple of hours. I'm sitting here with a smile on my face... that was really a huge hurdle for me. Maybe some old dogs can learn new tricks, giggle...

makin' some baby steps

11/18/2008
Well, I've taken a few steps toward finding me :) I quit the safe, boring job I've had for the last two and half years. Instead of sitting in my home in rural Alabama tonight, I'm in a hotel in north Dallas...

Before the divorce three years ago, I had a great job, that I really loved; that made me feel somewhat fullfilled. The job was over an hours drive from my house and required at lot of travel. During the divorce, I was offered an IT support job at a company 3 miles from my house. I was making the same amount of money as before, working only 40 hours a week and went home for lunch everyday. BUT, it was the most boring, unchallenging job that I've ever had. My self esteem sufferred some. I really felt like I had no reason to get up and go to work everyday. During the last year, I had another job offer with a software company in Dallas, but told them that I couldn't move while my kids were still in high school. I had made them a promise that I intended to keep. Well the kids moved out a couple of months ago (long story for another blog).

My friend J lives in Dallas working for this same company and his birthday was last month. He had been begging me to come visit him for a while. J lives in the 'gayborhood'... Oak Lawn. So, I found a cheap flight and I went off to the big 'D'! OMG.. I loved Dallas. I loved J's neighborhood! It was like finding home for the first time. We went to Kroger for some groceries... gays everywhere. Ditto for restaurants and all other kinds of businesses. In one block alone there were about 5 gay bars. J and his new bf took me to Sue Ellen's a couple of times. And if you are ever visiting Dallas, you should definitely go... they had some great live music while I was there. I was also in town for the Halloween street party... it was amazing.

Anyway... while I was in town, I had a job interview. They offered to let me work from home in Alabama, with me flying out every 4 to 6 weeks to stay for a week. And now... TA DA!! I'm here, for three weeks of training. It's only my second day, and so I've not ventured out on my own yet, but I think I'll try to get brave this weekend :) I've been reading lots of blogs and there are several I follow every day. All these women really support me, even if they dont know it. The problem is, I don't actually know any lesbians in rl. I've had gay guy friends all my life. I don't know if it was the area I live in... I just don't know any gay women... or if I do, they are in the closet, lol. I'm not sure how to go about finding friends, and I am PAINFULLY shy with strangers....

i am a great big CHICKEN

10/19/2008
I had not been out to a club/bar in twelve..fifteen years.

I had NEVER been out by myself.

People that know me would be surprised to hear me say that I'm shy. I enjoy being around people and once I get to know someone, I'm pretty much an open book. As a child, we moved every single summer from the time I was in kindergarten until I was in the sixth grade. Every single year, I had to face a classroom of new faces and I had a hard time making friends. To this day, walking into a roomfull of strange people makes me extremely anxious.

Yesterday I was feeling invigorated by the fine fall weather. I wanted to get out and be around people. I did a little shopping (something I usually despise). I got online and did a search for gay bars in the nearest, large city to me. There were two. They both had websites and myspace pages. One of them appeared to have more female customers and a bit more mature, age-wise. I surprised myself that I would actually even consider going.

So, I showered, shaved.. etc.. My hair and makeup looked great. I even wore black panties (strictly for my own personal morale) rather than my usual white, cotton Hanes for Her. I got in my car and drove the 75 minutes to the city. It was about 9:30 by the time I parked my car in the parking lot. I was so nervous I was shaking. I had made it this far, by God, and I was going in.

I walked up to the big front door and pulled it open and was standing behind a small cluster of people who were paying the cover to get in. I looked around while I waited. I had planned to just sit at the bar, have a drink and check it out. I handed over my $5 and continued scanning the room. There did not appear to be any open seats at the bar. It was a very small place. I made my way along the bar. All the small tables across from the bar, against the wall, were taken. I continued to the back of the room. All the seats at the bar were full too. I went to the bathroom (it makes me have to pee when I'm nervous). I came out of the bathroom, made my way back through the room, and walked right back out the front door, got in my car and drove quickly away.

Oh well, at least I went in...